Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
