don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
