My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
