i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
mondays should just be called national damage control day
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
