I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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