you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
