Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
All I want is dick and wine.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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