if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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