Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
