take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
