i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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