hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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