I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize