Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
