He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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