when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
