My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
