Christians are straight up FREAKS
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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