Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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