3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
