3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
