I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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