I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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