Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
