I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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