i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize