I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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