in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
