obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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