his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
