god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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