My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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