my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
