Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
