I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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