God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
