The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
