your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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