I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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