i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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