I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
