textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
