I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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