Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
