well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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