She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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