May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm too high and old for this...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
