So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize