I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
