I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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