The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
