Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
