If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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