On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
