When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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