I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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