Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
