I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
