Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
