When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
its liver damage thursday
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
