It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
