You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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