I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
