Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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