just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
