In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am midnight drunk by noon
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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