she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
