My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
