first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
