Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
