it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude i'm inner monologue high
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
